A lot has changed since I last posted here. In the past two and a half years, I found out I am non-binary, which completely changed my life.

Every since I was about 6 years old I hated being a boy. I would secretly dress like a girl and even try making a transfiguration potion from Harry Potter with a strand of hair I got from a girl in my class, but I didn't drink it for fear of my parents not recognizing me. When I was 14 I learned about transgender people, and realized that was me the whole time, but when it came time to tell people about it, I sort of felt like maybe I wasn't, because I didn't really want to be a girl. Then started my years long self questioning that led me to many dark places in my mind; you can guarantee every transphobic comment you can imagine has already passed through trans people's minds when thinking of themselves -- well, at least for me.

I didn't really know what non-binary meant, and honestly I've made my share of dumb jokes about pronouns and whatnot, but one day in early 2024 I was having a panic attack about my body becoming more masculine with age, and realizing I didn't have much time left to figure myself out. I began reading all sorts of Wikipedia articles on the subject, trying to find an answer, when I read about non-binary identity and finally understood.

Now it's been over a year, and in one month I will talk to a doctor to start HRT at last. In a way, I feel extremely relieved, and I don't feel that confusion anymore regarding my gender identity, but also I feel like perhaps this has been some of the most depressed I've been. Maybe all the crap I've bottled up over the years is finally coming out, or maybe it's because I can't comfort myself anymore by saying "I'm definitely cis; I'm just weird, and all of this will blow over with time", or maybe it's a million other things that have happened as a result of coming out, and the dark future for trans people in the world, as we become a scapegoat for so many things.

I've been very lucky to have a supportive family (in their own way), and know that many many people in my position do not have such luxury. I don't reckon anyone will read this, but if it does somehow reach someone feeling gender dysphoria, do know that you should probably talk to someone about it, but someone whom you can trust. Probably a therapist. Although it is (almost) never too late to begin transitioning, the earlier you do the better it'll be. I'll be starting at 22, and see how it works out.

Again, I am NB, so it's a bit different, but yeah. I've picked out a new name for myself, but I'm still testing it out. The name is Luma, which is very fitting because, not only is it sort of related to my birth name, it is related to analog video, which I work with. And the Component Video cable that carried Luma signal is green, which happens to be like my favorite color! Also, luma means light, and as an Electrical Engineering major I deal with light quite a bit. It's also gender-neutral, of course, so it works out.

I heard a vision henceforth

Of a man and a boy from the north

They visit me on this beautiful Earth

Tough scruff and cheese stuff

Long nights and goat friends

I lost my rein years ago

Twitch with me, pal

Blue skies, clouds outside

A window after stairs

Looking from inside.

Skies full of wonders

The man looks from his window

A world out of reach.

Time frozen forever

A photograph of a clock

Left as a memory.

A mass exodus

Where'd they come from, where'll they go?

The morning commute.

Subtle pleasant smell

The girls' perfumes in the air

Freshness before toil.

Synergetically

The cars, the people, and the birds

Softly, sooty air.

Yellow seats available

I'm not taking them.

Memories from the bus.

My guilty pleasure

Ode to that which will be gone

I am told they kill, I am told they will

But I savor the road which I drive on

A swing and a miss, my wing through a whisk

The wind with a mist, the road the rubber kissed

Nice stroads with no traffic, almost even so mystic

Explodes with no havoc, almost even holistic

I can feel the sky blue, I'm in love with it too

The dry airs of winter shall paint it a pink hue

The road that leads me there will then kill it too

Take the bus I should

But the bus is not the same

An ode to driving.

Take me with you, friends from the aether

For man and his problems, you bow for neither

I want your adventure, I want your yonder

If I could grow wings I'd b'ith the floor asunder

Think about it, they are both nocturnal, silent predators, they both look very sinister when hunting, they are also both best in class when hunting. Cats are the mammal equivalent to owls.

Fairies of the nights

Aviation Obstruction Lights

Why are you so lonely?

On the night’s onliest window, I reside

I look, I look, for lights in the sky

My own visual lullaby.

Full many a glow of pure volition

To most, their mission hidden

But I am the one to listen

Up high where you’ve been risen,

I will, one day, rest my disposition.

In the country there are fireflies

But up here we have you

May be tired eyes,

But your red matches our navy blue.

The city; chaotic

But you’re so serene

A charm all so hypnotic

Though it is so mean,

Many a flower bloom unseen.

So many red lights

The stars of the starless nights

Dots on pedestals.